Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Assalamualaikum... Ok, sebenarnya ad super duper banyaaaaaaak kerja kena buat seperti moots, faraid,usul fiqh etc.... Tapi,aku rasa tiada motivasi n inspirasi nk buat... Ok,loving family and friends ad,apa ke halnya dgn motivasi n inspirasi? Mls je lbih nih,huhu... Frankly,he who I love is my motivation and inspiration. He always motivated me, inspired me-this is BEFORE he was closed with this one lady. I love him not because of his looks (because I'd prefer Chinese look kind of guy) I love him not because of his family is rich because his family is poor. I don't love him because he is smart because I'd prefer a guy within my league. I JUST love him because he is who he is. I feel betrayed when he and that lady in a relationship. I feel frustrated when they are engaged and upset when they are married. The most upsetting thing is that,none of them seems to even care to say sorry to me. It pissed me off everytime I remembered how he says he loves and care for me deeper than his family. Kata2 kosong. Pfttttt. It still pissed me off whenever I remembered how he says he hates her,how she is annoying to him and how she's not that kind as she seen. I'm stupid enough that time by defending her,saying she's not like what he thinks she is,etc And then it happens. In my final year, I can sense someone is changing. He wished my birthday late,don't even bother to call or replying smses as he used to do.I believed he was busy with his study so I rest assured that nothing goes wrong. My chambering year would be where it went worse. He's simply cut connection with me,leaving me wondering whether he's ok or not,wondering what did I done wrong to him. I heard rumours from my friend that he's seeing someone else but I don't bother to believe. Y? Because I TRUST him. My first year of working witnesses how much I cried. It's true. The rumours are all true. I confronted him but he didn't pick up my call. I sms him,he replied late. That moment, 14/2/2013 was when my heart was torn. It's really hurt. That lady who never keep in touch with me suddenly showing off the relationship....I feel betrayed...and I made up my mind to run away.. Run away from this sadness... I decide to make myself busy. So I took extra weekend classes, I applied new jobs, I watched tonnes of dramas,I shopped a lot and I went for a drive by myself sometimes after court cases...but still, I'm unable to overcome the sadness..sometimes I cried by myself driving to class, sometimes I tend to cry when watching drama not because of the drama but because of me and I even crying in my sleep... Wedding events happen one by one. I feel sad because he's not the one for Mr. I always manage to control my sadness when people asked me about him but I cried softly later. It seems I lose half of me and I'm confused of how I'm getting it back. How stupid I am when they don't even bother a bit about me. How stupid I am to whole-heartedly trust his every words....how stupid I am when still cannot get over him when he is hers. It's painful. I'm hurting. I'm trying to recover. At the age of 25, I had been a ten years fool....they're happy and I'm foolishly crying... :'( Heartbroken I swear, I hate him and starting to hate her. I cursed them to suffer in their marriage. Fortunately, an aunt smacks me with her soft spoken words "angah, kadang2 kita tak akan dapat ap yg kita nak. Kdg2 org tak nampak hati kita terluka sbb luar kita ceria. Acik tahu angah kecewa dengan dia,acik tahu angah cuba nak larikan diri, acik tahu angah tengah berperang dengan perasaan sendiri masa ni...acik slalu mimpi agh masa kat makkah, selalu teringat angah masa doa kat kaabah,hati acik kuat mengatakan yg angah tengah lemah di dalam...acik doakn utk agh kat dpn kaabah supaya angah jumpa kbahagiaan agh...acik doakan sepanjang dI madinah supaya angah tak berdendam dengan dia..." Allahuakbar. I was really crying listening to what she said. That 20 minutes of phone conversation makes me feel a sudden comfort... Now,I'm able to smile sincerely as my heart at ease. I'm starting to accept someone else in my life and not put in too much hope with it. What I have learnt would be------- "If it is meant to be,it will be"